The walls wavered and wobbled before him.
His chest grew tight as his knees grew weak.
His legs felt heavy with each step he took like wading through the bogs of his childhood. His childhood.
Could he really say that when he was just 14 now?
Yet, it seemed a world away.
He had had a family, a brother, a father, it was all gone now. Now he was a pawn. A chess piece in the most powerful game. The ruling of England.
He was never supposed to be part of this game.
His father should have ruled for many more years.
His brother should never have died.
He should not be king.
Yet, he was all that was left.
Men surrounded him. The most powerful men in the country. They urged him towards the steps.
The very thought made his stomach churn and gurgle.
Once he stepped through there was no going back. Once he stepped through, the coronation would begin.
He’d officially become the king of England.
Originally written in response to Sue Vincents #writephoto – Passage. I hope you enjoy anyway.
Use the image to create a post on your own blog… poetry, prose, humour… by noon (GMT) Wednesday and link back to Sue’s post with a pingback. KL
New2Writing 
Hiya I offer critique so as to help out fellow writers on their task on becoming the best they can possibly be. As such, I can be a little nitpicky, but it is all with the purpose of helpin’ ya’ out.
Here we go.
“His chest grew tight as his knees grew weak.”
You’ve got two cliches in one sentence here. Instead of telling me his “chest is tight,” which, after all these years of reading, I still don’t really understand, I want you to tell me EXACTLY how THIS character feels. I want to know what kind of tight. I want something evocative. I want to know how his chest being tight makes him feel. The same can be said of the “knees weak.” This is a bit more explanatory then chest tight, but it is still an overused cliche which could instead be something much more exciting and interesting.
“His legs felt heavy”
Third cliche 😉
“like wading through the bogs of his childhood.”
This is your first unique turn of phrase, and I like it because of that. It says something to me and goes much further than just the words. I mean, the image still has it’s flaws, but it is definitely the most evocative thing you’ve said so far.
I like this, “His childhood,” although I think it should be on it’s own line. Formatting is key for reading stories on the web.
Now you go through a whole lot of telling rather than showing. I would much rather know how he feels about his whole family being dead, rather than him just stating that they are dead. Also, I can pretty much figure out that all his family is dead if he is being made King of England at 14.
I guess it would be better if you just referred to the king and his brother in some less direct way, so as to suggest that they are dead, rather than just straight up telling us. It takes the mystery, the excitement, out of your story.
There is very little emotion here. It seems cold. Maybe that’s what your character is going through, but it seems like he’s actually stressing the hell out, or should be, at least.
The most I get is, “The very thought made his stomach churn and gurgle.”
What does that mean? He feels sick at the thought? Stomach churning is not very evocative any more. I want some more power, some more emotion.
Anyway. I’ll stop rambling. You get the point.
There are some good turns of phrase here, and you obviously have a good grip of narrative drive and story-telling, just steer clear of those cliches.
Wonderful take on this picture. This reminds me of Queen Elizabeth of England’s father George. His brother abdicated and he had to be king even though he stuttered. As you can tell I learned this in the movie “The Kings Speech.”
Thanks Mandi! Love that movie! You rarely go wrong with a Colin Firth movie :). KL ❤
Wonderful story KL.